Darling

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out. I'm sorry that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be there for you because you left me and I need to be here for myself now. I'm sorry I didn't know what to do.
I'm afraid I might have to go back to her. The girl I was when we met. She was so easy to be. Mischievous Conniving, devilish, and perfectly safe.
I love you, but no, you never asked me to stay strong. So no I wont because you know what, its easy and I'm into things that are easy and get shit done. I was so good at fighting. Fighting for me, fighting for us but no. I'm not going to fight to feel this pain. I'm not going to fight myself if its not a battle I'll win. I crave her so bad. I crave pain killers and anti-depressants. I want to smile. I want to breathe and live and I've been good for so long. So. Damn. Long.
I don't want to lose you. Its the last thing I want. God I don't want it. It's not like you ever fucking appreciated me giving her up. Never once did you realize how much I cut back, how far away from her I had gotten. Did you even care, or was it not enough because I wasn't sober?

I know I only have my best friend as a follower but I guess I can post these as some catch up diary bullshit incase I have have stalker followers that want to know my life

So, I haven't done this in a long ass time. I guess since I've been gone I haven't done much other then piss away my life as always. I lost 8 lb last weekend(to any other girl that understands, AM I RIGHT?!?!) this was do to me meeting probably the two newest people in my life who I genuinely feel could have a large impact in my life. Which is strange knowing that neither one of them liked me until they met me. They're great girls, a mother of twins and an old acquaintance's ex. Both of them could not stress enough how they wanted to watch me make the decisions they weren't smart enough to make while still doing the socialite things I do. I also had my JWU interview(Horay) my interviewer told me I got in, go me! I'm supper pumped to get that letter. I also got back my grades from my community college course, ones like a 5 out of ten and the other is like a nine out of ten, sooo hopefully I can pull a c in that course.
That covers end of march and all of april so far.
I realized why I do drugs, it's because I know they'll always be there for me. I don't trust people for that. Drugs though, they are always there I can count on it, they are always there always willing and ever changing for the better.

Guys that aren't worth it.

Okay, So, Its kinda obvious that I'm a girl. Guy that don't like me have to be my weakness. I don't know how or why or anything, but I always want what I can't truly have. Even currently my boyfriend doesn't like me and somehow for some reason I'm still with the bastard. I know he's using me for his convenience where as I'm still trying to figure out why I think he's worth any ounce of time.
He is far from worth it, any single celled thing can point this out. No guy is worth your time if your not worth his, and He wont care if I cry so why am I here? For the same reason a girl likes a bad boy, some part of me hopes to change him.
Don't be like everyone else, No one can change anyone who doesn't want to change
The only thing that can change someone is their own personal want.